Sunday, 19 October 2014

Losing my Best friend

I still can't believe he's gone. My cat of six years disappeared while we were away. Never did I imagine such pain in my heart.

I came home and for the first time ever he wasn't there waiting for me - excitement in his eyes, jumping up on me; his purr strong and deep. The tears just keep coming and I mean it's crazy he was just a cat but was he really just a cat? He was so much more to me, more than anyone could ever imagine. He joined me on this journey here n Chile in the first year I got here. He soothed my depression and homesickness that first South American spring when I was unsure of what to do with my life and was deeply unhappy with the job I was doing at the time. Having the cats eased it all somehow.  Coming home to them, lazily lounging on the sofa together...

He was there when we first got married, our second cat, brother to Aisha. We'd initially just bought Aisha but had to return immediately as we couldn't get that ginger kitten out of our minds and felt she needed a companion. And what a companion he turned out to be! And so they both joined us on this journey, this adventure...every step of the way. Through our first year of marriage in our tiny little flat where it all started, living on a small balcony....then into our first little house where they were introduced to trees and birds....then through both pregnancies, births of the babies, early years of the kids..always there. Patient, loving. Cheeky at times but the most loving cat you'll ever meet. Happy to curl up on your lap wherever we would be.

Everyone says he'll be back but it's been two weeks now and I know him. He was a homebody. He liked to explore close to the house, never really venturing too far out, always cautious. He needed his water from the tap and his special cat food. No other brand would do. I really can't imagine him out there. I have no idea if he could make it. I just don't know.

I miss you Avs. Know that I never abandoned you, I was on my way back to you. I miss you so much and this house is not the same without your energy and unconditional love. I hope that if you are alive and out there, that you can feel me here, that we all miss you and want you back.

Always in my heart babe


Sunday, 14 September 2014

Dedicated to a friend

The rain. It cleanses your soul. Revives your heart. Only strength is born from the cleanse; a new beginning. Wash away those fears. Rinse away the doubt.

You will rise again.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Flight MH17

My heart is heavy. Last week a commercial airliner carrying 290 passengers, 190 of them Dutch, was shot by a missile 33,000 feet in the air over Ukraine. Everyone on board died. 80 children are amongst the dead. Families, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters...they all perished. In the most horrendous way possible. All started their journey with smiles, anticipation, excitement and their futures wiped out by evil in seconds. Babies, children!!!


What is the world coming to?

I cannot erase this from my mind no matter how hard I try; I am awake at night and I feel their terror. I cannot shake it.

I pray they are all safe now, on the other side, far from this cold hearted world. I hope they are shrouded in warmth and love. Back home again.

My love goes out to every life lost on that plane. Only love.



Monday, 14 July 2014


It's amazing how my kids changed after their third birthdays, both of them at the exact same time....

For three years Maia was super independent, even as a baby when she first began to crawl....she would head off in all sorts of directions without even a backward glance. Of course this made mum feel ever so left out of her daughters world but also so proud at this amazing confidence of this blue eyed girl. She had an innate sense of direction and need for exploring. It did however at times leave me feeling a little sad as my friends children were forever joined at their mothers hips, persistently crying out for them which Maia rarely did. But after her 3rd birthday I noticed a change in her. Se was still that assertive, secure little girl who knew what she wanted but she was also much more interested in me (at long last!) and being with ME. All of a sudden, she needed me more than before and it warmed my heart ever so much. I finally got to revel in her kisses, her hugs, her questions like never before; it was good to feel her love so close, so real. We have a bond like no other now, we love each other to the stars and back...always have.

And then there's, his two's were seriously terrible. Of course there were the beautiful moments but a lot of it was hard work. He had tantrums, his No's were strong, loud and powerful. His screams and anger resounding through the house at all times of the day.  But I kept on telling myself, it's a'll it all does. It lasted slightly longer than anticipated but he soon mellowed down as his third birthday approached and now three weeks have gone and he has really shifted from the angry, highly sensitive and moody little boy to loveable, caring, compassionate and fun. He's cheeky and curious. And finally...he and Maia play together wonderfully. Ok, there are still the sibling outbursts and slamming doors but nothing compared to a few months ago. My babies are maturing, understanding, becoming. Growing so fast. I want to put every moment inside a box and keep it there forever.

I love you two. Know that always.

Mama x

Thursday, 10 July 2014

I Love my Life

Honestly, how many people can say that. With so much anxiousness over the future, regret over the past and a constant desire for more, it's a rare thing to hear people say they are truly content with their present lives; yes I do have momentary relapses and feel some of those things but more than ever I am HAPPY WITH MY LIFE. Right now. It's not perfect, there are glitches, there are outbursts, there are needy moments and anxiety sets in, but far less than ever before. I love where we are. I love what I'm doing. I love my family. I love my husband. I am grateful for so much and it's a wonderful feeling. There is always room for improvement, I full heartedly acknowledge that but it also gives me an enormous sense of peace and well being to tell myself that really, I am so happy with the Now. It fills me to the core.

Thank you. 

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Tomás is Three...

It's been a while but life is breezing by nicely. Winter has set in, the mountains are frosted with snow, the skies are glorious reds by sundown and the momentary rain clears the smog from the city for a much needed breath of fresh air. Oh the smog, how I wish this city to be cleaner! It is a constant worry especially when you have little ones. But I have welcomed many more air detoxifying plants into the home as well as an air purifier and on the smoggiest days we stay inside.

Soo..the latest news is my boy is 3!!! I now have a 3 and a 4 year old, but I am pleased to say some of the chaos from last year has died down somewhat. There are less tantrums in the household and these two play together better than ever before. Sure they have their sibling fights but don't we all eh. Maia is the most amazing sister ever, always sharing, always being the first to give her little bro a hug and a kiss, to say sorry. And at the end of the week at nursery I always come home with a few drawings of Tommy by Maia.  For Toms party we celebrated it here in the new apartment, lots more space to have guests and outside space for the little ones to run around in. And lucky for us it was a glorious sunny day so we put blankets on the grass outside and hung balloons on my favourite tree that hangs right over our porch. My closest friends came and a merry time was had by all!

Happy birthday little man. You're going through a real "mamon" phase right now where only mama seems to exist for you and I am relishing this time more than anything. I know that sometimes I can be a bit too much but I wonder if there is really such a thing?? I just adore you and can't keep my hands off my little baby boy. Love how much you're talking now and the little conversations we have; this morning you told me you saw crocodiles with their mouths wide open and you were so scared! These three years have passed so quickly...they always do don't they? I love you my bright, cheeky, sensitive little chap. Let this year be just as amazing as the last.

Much love, Mama x